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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Crazy Eyes, Harry Potter and The Real Housewives of New Jersey

('Teresa Giudice' / Jennifer Marie Puglia / CC BY-ND)

Last night I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with my girlfriend and her mother. A woman who will hereby be referred to as 'Crazy Eyes' for her ability to continually pound straight Vodka with no ice, unabashedly grope male servers, and make young children cry. (I wish I was kidding.) My girlfriend was apologizing to the host, I was trying to call Crazy Eyes' husband, and all of a sudden I hear a kid at the next table burst into tears and she's staring at him slack-jawed like an extra from The Walking Dead.


But this wasn't even the best part. Earlier in the night the three of us had a conversation so revealing I simultaneously realized that a) There was no point in getting mad at my eventual mother-in-law ever again due to the fact that b) I would get as much satisfaction arguing with her as I would from repeatedly smacking my head off the pavement outside.

Why? Because Crazy Eyes' favorite housewife is Teresa Giudice.

If the gravity of this statement isn't immediately clear to you, allow me to offer an analogy. This would be similar to having a conversation about Harry Potter, and the person you're talking to says their favorite character is Voldemort. "Voldemort?" you ask. "Don't you mean Dumbledore?" And then they roll their eyes at you and say, "Fuck Dumbledore."  

Crazy Eyes idolizes a petty, malicious, vengeful, manipulative, fake, deceitful witch (who this Monday also happened to be indicted on thirty counts of financial fraud, if you need any further indication of character).

So my point is this: If you find yourself arguing with someone who glorifies the equivalent of a storybook villain, it's better to avoid them at all costs rather than get sucked in to one of their twisted little narratives.

Because life is not reality television. So whether it's getting indicted with enough charges to be facing more than fifty years of jail time, or in the case of Crazy Eyes, having the cops called on you by neighbors that have known you for over fifteen years because they don't want to hear your shrieking any more while they try to enjoy their family barbecue, there will always be consequences to self-entitlement.

- Lilith, August 1